I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
