the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
