Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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