just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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