this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Slut skills are useful in every country.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
