i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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