I just threw up on my dentist
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
