After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
