Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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