If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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