dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
