just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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