There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
