It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
