I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
