Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
