i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
