his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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