lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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