I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
