So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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