So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize