I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
