Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize