Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
how drunk are you?
Several
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
