I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
