Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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