What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
