the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
