I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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