He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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