Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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