i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Green mimosas i think yes
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize