just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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