U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
