I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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