If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
