guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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