Jerry, you need to find god
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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