He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You are a genius and a whore.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
