just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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