i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
