if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
