if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
