just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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