do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
