Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
