Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
