i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
