i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
