I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
