and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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