im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
