I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
