I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
