You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
